Raandom - Jokes, Memes and quirky stories from the USA, UK and a few scattered gems from other parts of the world. Some content may offend as this is not a politically correct blog. Grab a Coffee and kill a bit of time on your break. Raandom will give credit to jokes from other sites.
It's that time of year again when ambush marketing is rife as the entertainment world gets ready for the 84th rendition of the Academy Awards.
One of the best ambush marketeers in the business is Sacha Baron Cohen.
Baron Cohen’s tickets to the Awards this year have been pulled unless he can give the Academy cast iron assurances ahead of time promising not to show up on the Red Carpet in costume ( The Dictator - above) and not to promote his controversial new movie on the Red Carpet.
The Dictator is a spoof about the “heroic story of a Middle Eastern dictator who risks his life to ensure that democracy never comes to the country he so lovingly oppressed”.
The Academy made it clear that, without those assurances, it would not issue him the tickets.
Back in 2007 - Baron Cohen was asked to be a presenter and he said he would only do it if he was able to dress as Borat.
Some Sacha Baron Cohen Quotes...
As Borat - Presenting his new movie
My mother, she never love me. (Stifled chuckle) She say she wish she was raped by someone else.
As Borat Talking to a man who is demonstrating carpentry techniques from the 19th century
My sister...she�s a...prostitute. (Answer: That�s sad, why?). She like to make money, high five!
As Ali G -
Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.
As Ali G.
One time when me was high, me sold me car for like 24 chicken McNuggets.
As Ali G.
So, if this show teach you anything, it should teach you how to respek everyone: animals, children, bitches, spazmos, mingers, lezzers, fatty boombahs, and even gaylords. So, to all you lot watching this, but mainly to the normal people, respek. West side.
Organizers of a half marathon in Wales have blasted a "malicious individual" who severely disrupted the race over the weekend by moving signs which marked the route.
The sabotage meant 40 of the 500 runners in the Village Bakery Wrexham Half Marathon only ran 11.3 miles of the 13.1-mile course.
Not only were the participants distressed, but the signs were visibly moved too!
James Corden was quite embarrassed about having to cut off Adele during her speech at the Brits.
Blur were waiting to play and Corden was directed to cut her short.The outcry on Twitter has seen thousands of people show their anger at the poor management of the 2012 awards.
And in keeping with the theme of this blog... our favorite Adele joke...
Adele: you know you're fat when no one has even mentioned you're ginger.
Last week the driver of a Porsche 911 decided he'd take a shortcut around some construction cones and drove straight into wet concrete near Marina Green on Marina Blvd. in San Francisco.
A witty commentor on the blog wrote...
What's the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine?
The pricks are on the outside of the Porcupine! Source Motoramic Blog
Last week I saw this Asian guy walking down the middle of Queen Street with a shirt that simply read...
Who loves you the most?
The shirts simple saying got me thinking how it makes a massive difference if you know that at least one person has love for you.
The guy they found today in a car that had been covered in snow since December 19th obviously hadn't been missed by anyone as he wasn't reported missing and had to survive on melted snow for nearly 2 months! I am sure someone does love him but have they told him lately?
When you travel on your own as I do a lot it's always nice to think of people you love - but it's even nicer to be loved in return. Life's too short to die lonely.
'my arse' is a famous catchphrase from the Royle Family. Jim Royle is played by Ricky Tomlinson and is recognised as the king of the couch potatoes in the UK. (Only Homer would beat him)
Tomlinson hails from the city of Liverpool and during the Royle Family's heyday bus drivers would drive past , beep and shout 'My Arse' out of their bus windows.
The above is a collection of Jim Royle's best 'My Arse' sayings!
Is a famous Vulcan salutation made famous by Mr Spock in Star Trek.
This little baby has learnt the Vulcan way from the crib. If more humans were like Vulcans the world would be a better place.
Spock | Live Long and Prosper
Star Trek Oneliners
Q: What does the Enterprise and Toilet paper have in common?
Moody's is a joke, until they adjust a credit rating and Fund Managers with billions/trillions of treasuries are forced to sell - because they cannot hold non-AAA paper.
Then you'll see who's the joke.
Remember your history? When the Roman Empire collapsed, the world was thrown into the Dark Ages? Well, this would be a repeat of that chapter in history.
Moodys, Fitch, S&P, all apply a level of custom subjective
overview into their ratings which can be manipulated. For example,
anybody who is over 100% Debt to GDP should have a rating of Junk.
Before the swathe of downgrades...
But Italy, which is around 120%, has a rating of AA+. Crazy, right?
Japan is over 200% Debt to GDP its also AA+. Talk about rating manipulation.
Greece is 167% debt to GDP and is rated Junk. WTF!
Herman Van Rompuy has hit the news again this time begging the Chinese to help Europe out of its current whole.
For those who missed it here is Nigel Farage standing up to the election of Herman Van Rompuy in session at the European parliament in Brussels...
Partial Transcipt . Farage ....You have the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low grade bank clerk ..... (roars of derison from the Technocrats) and the question that I want to ask is....
Who are you? Nobody in Europe had ever heard of you? Who voted for you? What mechanism do the people's of Europe have to remove you? You are the Quiet assassin of European democracy and European nation states!
Background...The EU President, Herman van Rompuy was selected by Bilderberger Queen Beatrix of The Netherlands.
The people were never asked for their vote; as everything else in the E.U. this Mr. Van Rompuy was shoved down the throats of 500 million Europeans.
Just recently, last week, Bilderberger Mario Monti a.k.a. ''Super Mario'' replaced Berlusconi in Italy. Not surprisingly this was again done without ANY consent of the Italians.
Just after Super Mario's installment, CME & MF Group imploded; taking most if not ALL assets of their customers.
Day by day we're getting one step closer to the economic collapse. Nigel Farage is on a complete rampage to spit his guts about the E.U. Chairman, and rightfully so.
Conflict with President Barrosso
President Van Rompuy (chairing the strategic body of the EU bringing together the presidents or prime ministers of the member states with the right to set EU priorities) has an uneasy relationship with European Commission President Barroso, head of the EU's day-to-day executive which also has the right to initiate legislative and budgetary proposals. The latter has been keen to ensure that President Van Rompuy does not trespass on the European Commission's prerogatives, but the European Council has often charged Van Rompuy, rather than Barroso, with various tasks. Both represent the EU externally at bilateral or multilateral (G8 or G20) summits at the level of heads of state. There have been calls for the position of president of the European Council and president of the European Commission to be merged in due course.
Well most people will have plans tonight across the world unless you live in Uzbekistan where they have banned western influences like Valentine's day. So here are some current films you can get out on DVD or rent from one of the online sites.
Friends with Benefits - A Romcom with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis.
Score 9/10 - even most blokes can appreciate this movie.
Crazy Stupid Love - A comedy with a few twists. Steve Carell is very amusing and the
performance of Ryan Gosling will provide plenty of eyecandy for the ladies. For the blokes
check him out in Drive - a story about a getaway driver based in Los Angeles.
One Day - based on the best seller by David Nicholls - a mix of laughs , romance and tragedy makes this
a good film for couples to watch. Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess lead this film which starts off in Edinburgh in 1988.
Valentine's Day Joke...
What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
Forget Me Nuts!
(got any better ones drop them in the comment box)
I Started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.
I Saw the above catchphrase writing on a number plate of a young lady who had parked her car in a 5 minute parking bay in Queen Street Auckland. It prompted me to do a bit of research on the phrase so I could place the traditional picture atop the Raandom post and stumbled upon Seasick Steve.
I had heard about Seasick Steve a few years ago but had never done a post on the musician...
Here is what the BBC say ... Banging out the blues on his customised guitars is what Steve does best and you'd be hard pushed to find another bona fide ex-train rider who does it better. Steve has managed to translate his fiery live shows from the stage to the studio with his languid, treacly voice introducing most songs and even delving into a monologue on the bare explanation of why he can never stay still: My Youth. And on the title track Steve's intro to a track about nothing never sounded so good.
I Started out with nothing and I still got most of it left Good motto for life - people should stop chasing the buck and live life to the full. Source Amazon Review ,
